Two cases: One was a careless tragedy, the other I call "Where's my beer?"

Two cases related to beer

It was one of those nights in the emergency room when I wished I could clone myself and let one of me take a break. We worked straight through our 12 hour shift without a break. A few seconds to run and wee-wee was the only seconds we got to ourselves that night. That is the way it is when you choose to work in the most exciting job around. We faced the unknown and the “who’d a thunk it” on every shift.

This was going to be a tough shift for me, it was 6:00pm until 6:00am. I had not taken time to nap that day before my night shift began so I knew there would be lots of coffee drinking going on, but it was so busy no one had time to make coffee.

We had crying babies with the croup and people with the flu. It was flu season and that is the recipe for fuller than normal emergency rooms for months on end.

Less than an hour after our shift began we had a trauma cardiac arrest coming. I called overhead for the portable x-ray people to come and I paged the house supervisor as everyone prepared for whatever was coming.

A 46 year old man had been coming back from a day at Gulf Shores. He drank too much and was driving his motorcycle. He was going way too fast as he came through the Wallace Tunnel towards Mobile. He lost control at the bending exit of the tunnel. He slammed into the wall at a high rate of speed. When he reached our ER, there was nothing that could be done to save him. His chest was crushed. He looked so much younger than his age, it broke my heart to see him lying there lifeless. 

His family had arrived at the hospital shortly after he arrived. It turns out he had a friend that was returning home at the same time and had witnessed the wreck and notified his wife. His wife and daughter were trembling as they entered the family conference room. They screamed the loudest and longest screams as they held one another after hearing the news. Oh how it shook me up. How can a human being not get emotional witnessing such an event. No matter how many times this happened, it never got easier for me.

As things settled down, I looked up to see a new patient walking in as he was assisted by another man.  At first glance I thought he might have an injury to his leg. But when he sat down, I knew why he had come to visit us. He could not sit on his bottom, but only sat on the edge of the chair using one butt cheek. His friend signed him in and I couldn’t wait to see the chart.

Abdominal pain was what brought this patient in, but he gave no details. It is so predictable when these patients come to us with abdominal pain. They are evasive and often angry, like this patient. Unfortunately Dr. A was not on duty that evening. He loved playing with the minds of these patients. 

It was a first for me. I stood and stared at that x-ray. It was shocking to us all. There it was, a large beer bottle, with the label on it. That had to be so uncomfortable. While it was the source of many funny lines for the rest of the shift, it was also very dangerous for this patient. He could have easily gotten a rip or tear in his rectum and had major complications.

Then our on-duty ER physician went in to tell this patient what he had found in his rectum and that he would need to go to the operating room to have it removed. The man said, he could not understand how it got there. The physician asked him had he been unconscious or intoxicated? The patient said, “No, I don’t drink or do drugs or anything!” Then the patient appeared to have a moment of clarity. He suddenly said that perhaps this happened when he got out of the shower. He said he remembered feeling FUNNY when he sat down to dry off. Maybe he accidentally sat on it! 

The physician told us he would not even dignify that kind of silliness with a response. He just advised the patient he would be in the OR very soon.

In conclusion:

One man died in the prime of his life because he drank too much at the beach and his judgement was impaired. Then he drove his motorcycle through the tunnel and felt like superman, he was invincible in his mind. He left a beautiful wife and daughter whose lives would never be the same.

Another could have lost his life if the bottle had cracked or broken and cut him , he could have bled out. But somehow he did not know he was in danger, just some FUNNY feeling is all he remembered.

Beer is for drinking! It is not for drinking and driving nor for giving yourself a funny feeling in your rectum.

The case of "Things that go BOOM in the night"

What was he cooking?

Every shift that I worked at the hospital emergency room was different. I absolutely loved that when I came to work I had no clue what could happen. This shift held a lot of excitement ahead.

It was about 2:00am when the call came in to our ER. We were about to receive several people with burn injuries.

The first one through the door was a man that told us he preferred to be called Bubba. He was a white man and was the size of Shaquille O’Neal. His skin had lots of imperfections as it was dotted with bug bites, scratches and scars. His hair looked singed and wild as every hair seemed to be standing at attention. Bubba was jovial and loved to talk; he talked incessantly. Perhaps it was due to the situation he found himself in that evening, or more likely, he talked a lot regardless of his situation.

Our next patient was a police officer in the ambulance right after Bubba. He and Bubba were brought in from the same location. The officer was young and had some significant burns but he still mustered up a smile when he looked at us.

I was at Bubba’s bedside when he began to tell his story to anyone who would listen. He said that he woke up at about 1:00am as he often does, and he was hungry. So he decided to cook up a big batch of fries. He heated the grease, threw in the potatoes and sat down in his recliner to rest a minute. He said that he must have fallen asleep, and when he woke up the stove was in flames. He went on to say that, being unsure and scared, he made a poor decision. He bear hugged that small trailer stove and began to rip it out of the wall; the grease spilled on him and was the most pain he had ever encountered. I walked over to help another patient and left Bubba in the care of his nurse.

Several policemen came by to check on their injured comrade. They said it was a meth lab that exploded. Only one officer was burned but several had inhaled the burning meth and were being treated at the burn center. 

It was true, there was a meth lab at Bubba’s trailer. Some of the neighbors had reported their suspicions that there was a drug house at his location and the police were closing in to make arrests. Just as they began to enter Bubba’s trailer, there was an explosion. Five people were burned that evening. The 3 most seriously burn victims were Bubba’s friends and they were sent directly to the local burn center at USA Hospital. Still our victims were in a great deal of pain and Bubba had the more serious injuries of the two we received. We treated them and eventually they too were transferred over to the burn center at USA hospital for further treatment.

Bubba had some significant burns that night but he seemed completely unconcerned about that. He was talking about falling asleep while frying some french fries and everyone knew he was not being truthful. Bubba stuck to his story.

I will never forget seeing him as he was wheeled out of our ER. He was waving goodbye to us like a beauty queen in the rose bowl parade, he smiled broadly with a semi-toothless grin. 

Bubba was a character and I learned from him. I now know that some people have never met the truth and would not recognize it if they did.

Eventually Bubba and his friends went on trial and they were all convicted. I watched as the story unfolded in the local news and I read the details in the newspaper. I was not surprised to learn that Bubba was the mastermind of the meth lab. 

The case of deflation on the left side only

The case of  Deflation

I worked in emergency rooms at two local hospitals. I not only saw almost everything there is to see during that time, but I worked with so many different personalities and I learned from them all.

There was a male nurse who was a really nice guy, his name was Joe. He was less outgoing than most of the guys who worked in the emergency room. I think that he was raised by people who were more reserved.  In some ways I guess you might say that he was a little bit of an introvert. He was very tall and wore glasses and almost always had a smile. He was a natural nurse. For many of the nurses I knew then and I know now, nursing was just something they learned in school. Joe was one of those people who fit nursing perfectly, he was born to be a nurse. His instincts told him what to do and his education gave him the tools to carry it out. I liked him from the time I met him.

I can usually figure people out quickly, but I found Joe to be difficult to read. He appeared to have low self-esteem or no confidence when it came to interacting with people. He seemed especially unsure when interacting with young females. I witnessed his behavior around some of the pretty nurses who worked in the ER and he seemed to sabotage himself through his utter fear and nervousness.

People are funny and it is not possible to see what is going on in their heads, so I have found that it is best not to try. I had learned to enjoy folks without judgement or without making efforts to change them. 

I think possibly it was due to his being a quiet person that some of our co-workers loved to pull pranks on Joe from time to time. He took it like a champ. He also helped pull pranks on others. Overall we had a good balance in our workplace.

One Sunday evening we were just slammed with patients. There was no time for pranks, or even conversations. All we could do was run, and put out fires until things calmed. 

A few hours into my shift was when this patient came in that caught my eye. She was so pretty. She had flawless skin, a beautiful face with big brown eyes and very white teeth. I thought, “Wow she is perfectly beautiful!” When I looked at her chart I saw that she worked at a place called The Candy Store. I had passed it before and knew it was not a place to buy a Snicker Bar or Milky Way. It was a strip joint and the signs on and around the building told the story plain and clear. I saw that her occupation was “dancer”.

Once the word spread amongst the ER staff, most of the male nurses were eager to be the one who had her as a patient. She was placed in one of the rooms assigned to the nurse I mentioned earlier, named Joe. His face turned red and he seemed very nervous about this patient, while all of the other male nurses on duty clamoured to take her off his hands. This was a time when Joe had what they all wanted.

As I looked at her chart I saw that she came in due to the fact that one of her breast implants had deflated.  This was bad. I am sure she was afraid but I have no idea whether something like that is painful. I do know that it probably would be an occupational hazard for her. This could not be good for business.

We put a call in to her plastic surgeon and tried to keep her comfortable until he arrived. He decided after examining her that she needed to go to surgery to correct this problem. She had a busy weekend ahead of her and it was imperative that her breasts be the same size. It was a breast emergency.

Our patient’s name was Candy Cane. I thought that was great! I only spoke to her briefly when I had her to sign some paperwork. She seemed to be very sweet, I suppose with a name like CANDY, that was natural. When she left for the operating room everyone hated to see her go, especially all of the male employees in the ER.

The case of hunter bitten by a WILD BOAR!

It was one of those nights that linger forever in my mind. I worked many years in the emergency rooms at two local hospitals. Every shift was filled with surprises, shocks, exhilaration and sometimes great sadness. It was a smorgasbord of life.

Late one Saturday afternoon I met a wonderful young couple who had a life unlike anyone I had known previously. They were happy people who loved life and lived it to its fullest.  It was a family of four and the father was our patient. He had been injured by a wild boar hog.

This guy was a big country boy who was as rugged looking as anyone I had ever seen. He was a person who feared nothing, not even death. His profession was Wild Boar Hunting. He and his brother had quit their regular jobs a couple of years prior and they hunted wild boar. There was a big demand for the meat and there was a need by landowners to remove the destructive and dangerous wild hogs from their property. As they told the story of their adventures I realized the major reason for their job change was the excitement and the pure adrenaline rush they got from the hunting. These brothers were unusual hunters as they only used knives. They did not carry guns at all. They had holstered knives with large blades. Their hunting dogs would corner the boar and hold onto the ears, then they would jump on the back of a boar and stab it to death. They were hunting in the Tensaw River Swamp at the time. It was a spot they had hunted for many years. There was a near endless supply of wild hogs in that area.

This particular day our patient jumped on the back of the wrong boar. This time he had met his match. The first stab nearly broke his knife as it hit a hard boney area on the back of the hog and it did not penetrate. This gave the boar the chance to jerk around and take a bite out of the hunter's arm. 

This, now injured man was angry more than anything else. He continued to stab many times until he got the right spot and the boar was dead. They said that hog weighed over 500 pounds. His brother took pictures of his wound, pictures of this huge wild boar and pictures of the damaged knife.

It was unusual to hear the story of an injury and see it in a display of pictures taken immediately afterwards. As the story was being told, the patient’s wound was being cleaned and preparations were made for him to go to surgery. I glanced over at the two beautiful daughters of this hunter. They looked just like their mother who stood by her husband’s side and spoke words of comfort to him the whole time. 

When the brothers were done with telling about this adventure, the oldest little girl began to speak. She said that when her daddy found baby piglets, he brought them to her and her sister. They dressed them in doll clothes, gave them names and fed them bottles until they could be weened. Her face lit up as she told of one she named Maggie that was nearly grown now. As she told the story of Maggie and many others before Maggie, I wondered what happened to the piglets when they were grown. Did daddy take them to market or did they disappear from the daughters without explanation? 

This patient had a serious injury to his arm that would take him away from his craft for a few months. That is if he followed the doctor’s orders. I doubted seriously that he would.

These people were so happy and full of life. They loved how they lived and they looked healthy and joyful. All of our journeys are different. I knew wild hog hunting would not ever be a road I could travel but it was good to see that they found their happy place in life.

Except for the scars and scares, this patient was expected to recover quite well, that is if he followed those orders.

The case of trouble with a potato!

The case of trouble with a potato

For years I worked in the emergency rooms of two local hospitals. Every case was unique. I saw things that were strange, things that were sad, ones that were hilarious and others that broke my heart. It was more than a job, it was an absolute adventure. The people who worked with me were the best in the world and I was thrilled they allowed me to be a part of their journey.

It never ceases to be amazing to me as I review the past and remember so many cases that came through those emergency room doors. This one is funny in some ways, yet the patient was suffering, so it was also sad.

He was a muscular guy with a nice tan. When he stood up straight, he looked to be about 6’3”. The night that he presented himself to the ER, he was not able to stand erect. He was stooped over in pain and discomfort, with maybe even a little bit of shame.

This patient was unique in that he was eager to tell all about how he got into this situation of needing our help. Prior to this man, everyone I had seen that came to the ER with an item lodged in their rectum, was vague. They pretended not to know what was in there or how it got there. Sometimes they pretended they did not even know something was in there at all, they only knew they had abdominal pain. Not this guy, he told it like it happened.

The story of his evening was that he went to “one of THOSE parties”. It was what he referred to as Freak Night. I was amused by this thing called a Freak Night party, so I anxiously listened as he told every detail. 

He and two buddies arrived at the destination and things were already in full swing. There was drinking and smoking and a little snorting going on. He added that his friends were all respectable people and did not use needles, they felt that was disgusting. It turns out there were items placed around the tables that became more interesting as the night went on. His inhibitions, along with those of his friends, had left hours earlier.  Virtually everyone was ready for some real fun. He spied a large potato. It was one that was suitable for baking, elongated and large. He, as most of his friends, was sort of a clean freak. So, he washed the potato down really good, he dried it and then he greased it. He explained that he never used vaseline, he preferred the creams that had nice smells. (That was important for us to know). So things went great, the potato was in and he was feeling wonderful. Every time in the past when he had participated in this, he had been able to push it back out when he was ready. But this time it would not budge. He panicked and drank a lot of water, then tried once more with no success. Eventually he came to the conclusion that he needed professional help to get this thing out.

He said “I know all of this may sound strange to y’all, but I say Don’t Knock It Till You’ve Tried It!” I looked over at my friend Charlie (a male nurse in the ER). The look on Charlie’s face told it all. He was not going to ever try that!

I had to like the potato guy because he was brutally honest, unashamed, true to himself and he told us the story as though we were all great friends. He was handsome, neat, and had beautiful eyes. His personality was huge. He smiled, laughed and even giggled at times. 

There was little need for an x-ray in this case as the patient knew and revealed exactly what was in there. However, it was something that had to be done for medical and legal reasons. 

That was the biggest potato I have ever seen. Until that night I loved baked potatoes with sour cream, butter, bacon bits, etc. but since that night, I have no interest in them at all. That was many years ago and you will never see me order a baked potato. Even when I bake them for my husband, I remember this patient and I get goose bumps. 

Near the end of this shift, things had slowed down a little in the ER and we sat down at the counter with our thoughts. So much had happened on that shift, but for me, potato guy stood out. It was the same for Charlie. He began to talk about it. He said, “I think we should introduce potato guy to the pickle guy we had last month.” He added, “They could make great salad together!”

The case of the SHOOTOUT nearby

There was shootout at a nearby apartment complex...

During the time that I worked in two local hospital emergency rooms, I saw things I wish I hadn’t, I smelled things I wish I hadn’t and my heart felt things I wish it hadn’t.

This is a case that is very disturbing to me. We were very busy that Saturday evening. One case after another rolled in as we had all hands on deck trying to get to those who needed immediate help, then assess the remaining people. In all of the cases I had known over all of those years, this one ranks in the top five.

Dr. M. was on duty and I knew it would be a wild night but a great night. He was one of the most enthusiastic physicians I ever worked with while in the ER. I always felt great when I saw him round the corner coming in to work.

Several hours passed and we were “putting out fires” as the crowd was so huge it was overwhelming. Finally after a while things began to settle and I got myself a cup of coffee and asked the physicians on duty if they would like a cup. Coffee time is a wonderful thing in the ER. Many times for the entire 12 hour shift, we did not get breaks to rest, to eat nor to have coffee. So when a little crack of time showed itself, we grabbed what we could and proceeded with our work.

Suddenly we were contacted by the Fire Department EMTs, they were headed in with a victim of a gun shot wound (GSW). It was a 19 year old male. When he arrived I noticed he was a big guy, close to 300 pounds. As he caught my eye, I could feel his fear. His wound was in his abdomen and he already looked very pale. I stepped over to help as they were removing his clothing and asking him questions. I asked him who could I call for him. He answered, “Call my mother because she will be worried, I was supposed to go to her house for dinner tonight”. I got the number and stepped over to the phone. A man answered and he turned out to be the patient’s father. I explained who I was and where I was then told him that he and his wife needed to come right away. His son had been shot and he was being assessed now in the emergency room at our hospital. He said very little, I am sure he was in shock as any parent would be, then he said, “We are on our way.” I stepped back over and told our patient his parents were on their way. He nodded and gave me a thumbs up.

I knew our young patient was in a dire situation, I saw the look on our charge nurse, Lisa. She was the best of the best and she could read the signs immediately. This patient was losing blood internally and losing it at a rapid pace. The general surgeon on duty was called and our patient was prepared for the operating room.

Meanwhile, the guy who had shot this patient had been brought in and he was on a gurney right next to our first patient. This 2nd GSW patient was shot in the arm right near the elbow. X-rays revealed that the bullet had shattered two bones and he was being prepared for surgery as well. 

I saw the sheer terror in their eyes, then I watched as the two shooters turned and looked right into the face of each other. It was nothing less than epic, yet frightening.

Our first and more critical patient was rolling now, straight back to the operating room as fast as they could push that gurney. His parents had not arrived yet but I was certain they would be there soon.

About 20 minutes after the 19 year old patient  (shot in the abdomen) had left for surgery, I saw three very tall people  walk in to ER registration. I just knew it was his family.  I was correct, it was his parents and his younger brother. I walked out, introduced myself and told them he was now in surgery and I escorted them to the waiting room for surgery. Unlike the silent phone call earlier, they were shooting questions at me like I was at a rifle range. I could tell them very little, due to the fact that we must allow the physician to field those questions, and I knew very little any way. I did know he was very critical, but at that time I figured he would be fixed in the Operating Room and would soon be fine.

I was wrong. Later, I was inputting some data when I  Iooked up to see a bewildered Dr. P, who was the surgeon on call that had operated on this 19 year old victim. I asked him how it went and he said, “Juanita, I am sorry to tell you, he did not make it!” I almost hyperventilated. He said the bullet did a freakish thing. It entered, found a major artery and travelled straight up that artery, splitting it wide open as it went. The young man bled out and there was no saving him. I could clearly see that it had effected this surgeon and his shoulders sagged as he walked on out the door. Moments later, through the glass of the ER doors, I saw the father and brother as they pushed the mother who was now in a wheelchair. Her head was dropped and she supported it with her hands.  All three were weeping unashamedly. That family was forever changed and after that experience, so was I.

The story of this tragedy is unbelievable to me. They were six young men ages 18-20 who seemingly came from nice families.  They lived across from each other in an apartment complex within two miles of our hospital. I understand that there were 3 in each apartment. The week before they had gathered at one apartment and played video games for hours. The next afternoon the guys who lived in the apartment where the games took place, noticed one of the video games was missing. A series of accusatory phone calls began as one group said the other stole and the other group said it was a lie. Within hours this grew to a point of absolute rage. 

The boys being accused of stealing, came to the accusers' apartment armed with guns. Those in the apartment saw the guns and they grabbed theirs guns. A shoot out  commenced that could rival the one that took place at OK CORRAL with Wyatt Earp and family. It was a gun battle for the ages. On the news and in the paper the other neighbors likened it to being in a war zone.

The two young men who came to our hospital were not the only ones shot that evening, there were two taken to the hospital closest to us and another ended up across town. In total 5 young men were shot. 

As a result of this gun fight over a video game, one young boy lost his life, one has a plastic elbow and others have huge scars. Families were broken that day and it was all over a video game. I do not understand it, no matter how much I think about it, I could not then and I cannot today. 

The cases of he had light in his life, her light was burned out

Two people who needed light in their lives...

It was a Friday night and things were getting busier as the shift continued into the night. We had some very sick people in our emergency room that night. I always loved working in the ER, there were sad cases, comical cases and heartbreaking cases. Just as life unfolds to reveal the good and bad in people, so does the ER. 

I will not forget the woman who came in by ambulance that Friday night. She was very weathered, with the skin of a hardened old sailor who had spent his life on the sea. Even though it turned out that she was in her thirties she looked more like 50. The paths we choose to travel in life can make us or break us. 

I had seen such stories on the news and on TV shows, but this Friday evening, I got to witness it right before my eyes. This poor woman looked like a person who had been cast out from society and did not know her place in the world. She had given birth moments earlier in a toilet. Someone called 911, then she and the baby were rushed off to us. We all peered at the precious baby who lay there very still yet he was alive.  One of our ER physicians on duty that night was Dr. S. He was a person who was normally stoic and unmoved by any tragedy that came through our doors. I could see he was emotional as he looked at that baby.  He was upset by the condition of the woman but more the condition of the baby. He gave his all to save that baby who had a very rocky start in life. The mother did not appear interested in the child or his outcome. According to the drug screen she was high on meth. They both survived. I occasionally think of that baby that night, so tiny and so helpless as he lay there in the care of my wonderful co-workers who showed so much compassion. I have to say that I was so happy when I learned that the mother did not take the baby from the hospital when she was discharged. She did not want him and said we could do with him whatever we chose. In this case, he was much better off without his mother.

Shortly after the baby case, our focus turned to a man who was 50 years old and was walking like he was 100. He was miserable and he looked very frightened. After discussing his discomfort and reason for being in our ER without getting clear answers, he was sent for x-rays. I was surprised to see that x-ray. We all gathered around the screen and could not believe what we were seeing. How and why would he do such a thing. There was a light bulb lodged in this man’s rectum! That was probably the most dangerous of all the items we had seen inside someone. Light bulbs are very fragile and the glass breaks in shards that could rip him up. It could easily have killed him. When told and shown the x-ray, this patient seemed as surprised as we were. How does a person just check out of consciousness and become unaware of what is put into his or her body? I do not believe in any of the many cases I witnessed, that these people did not know or participate in the insertion process.

Our ER physician made arrangements immediately to alert the operating room staff of the situation. The patient’s paperwork and other necessary preparations were done and he was whisked off to the OR as quick as humanly possible.

I am happy to say that the light bulb was removed intact. The patient faired well, yet he complained to the hospital administration the next day because he did not get his light bulb back. We read his written complaint, in it he said, “Those bulbs are very expensive, I can’t afford to be giving you light bulbs for no reason.” 

People do not surprise me often, but this guy, did. He should have been so grateful that he survived with no injury, yet he was demanding his light bulb be replaced. I thought about him and wondered, “Was he the light of someone’s life?”

Two cases: 
For one, there was no light in her life. She was burned out from drug use and her life meant nothing to her. The birth of her baby failed to spark anything in her darkness.

He had plenty of light in him (light bulb). He gave changing lightbulbs a whole new meaning, yet he failed to see the light as trained, compassionate people helped him survive.

  Her light was burned out

His light could not be found

Case of the Beautiful young lady with a big surprise!

The case of The beautiful young girl who had a big SURPRISE

I had seen so many cases over the years that entered our emergency room. I was no longer surprised easily but this case was very surprising to me.

Many times when people enter an emergency room they do not look their best. Often accidents happen while people are working or out pursuing the interests of their choice, so they come in sweaty, dirty, greasy, bloody and on rare occasions they are neat and clean.

This case is about a very neat and clean young teenage girl who surprised me. My shift was only an hour or two from being complete by the time she came in with her mother. It had been a harrowing day.

On this particular day we had a two patients who came in with cardiac arrest and neither had survived. So my heart was heavy as I had seen the grieving families as they were given the horrific news of the death of their loved ones. It has a way of taking the wind out of your sails when you live those moments with people that mark so much sorrow and loss.

After reeling from such a tough shift of horror, a young lady walked in with her mother. She was 17 years old and her mother looked very young to me as well. Both were very attractive ladies and both were impeccably dressed. I saw their nurse leading them to the OB/GYN room, so I picked up the chart to see what her “chief complaint” was that caused them to come to the ER. The patient was the daughter and the chart only said that she was having vaginal discomfort. I thought that was a strange reason to come to the ER and wondered why they did not just wait and see their own gynecologist the next day.  To me it did not sound emergent. 

I quickly forgot about this patient when we suddenly had another patient come in who had cut his finger off and brought it with him on ice in a plastic cup. He was holding the place where his finger once was and the cloth on it was completely saturated with blood. The physician immediately had me to call in the orthopedic physician on call for that one. I am happy to report that the reattachment of this man’s severed finger was a success, at least in the short term. I hope in the long term as well.

Then Dr. M. came back by my desk as he had just examined the young lady who was in the gynecology room and he had a funny look on his face. Dr. M is closer to my age, even a couple of years older than me and we often talked about how different people are today than in the sixties. After a minute or so he said, “Juanita that pretty young lady has the worse case of pubic lice I have ever seen!” I sat there shocked for a minute. He stood there writing on her chart at the counter next to my desk. Then I told him I had never heard of public lice. I only thought lice were in people’s heads. He looked up and said, “Have you ever heard of a venereal disease called crabs?” I nodded, and said, "I have 5 brothers and remember them laughing about one of their friends that had crabs at one time. So I knew it was a veneral disease, but I never thought about the details. He told me that crabs is actual lice that reside in the pubic area. They sometimes look a little different than head lice, but they are in the same family.

He advised that patient and her mother to wash anything in her room, not just her bed linens. Then he wrote a prescription and directions and discharged the patient. 

After the crabs patient left, he said to get the special cleaning people that sterilize an infected room to come and hazard clean that gynecology room. I did as I was instructed. I then sat there feeling all creeped out. The thought of bugs crawling on a person like that was a nightmare, I do not know how this young woman could look so pleasant like she did, on the way in and on the way out. The mom had a very embarrassed, red face, yet the daughter smiled.

You can never guess what might walk in the emergency room door. This is one I did not see coming and I would never have guessed. It turned out to be another new thing I learned while working in the Emergency Room.

The case of the man who was SCREWED!

The case of the man who was SCREWED

It was a Wednesday night and I was working the night shift in the emergency room at a local hospital. It was my favorite job ever. The night started off slowly with a few people who had cut themselves while doing various home projects and they were waiting for stitches. There was a man in the chest pain area that had a heart bypass done a few months prior and was now experiencing chest pains. Two people were there with flu-like symptoms and one patient had pink-eye. 

Then a man came in and checked in at the register with abdominal pain. He was acting peculiar and he sat with a lean to one side, not sitting directly on his bottom. This is always the signs of a person who has a misplaced object in his body. We had a 99.9% record of accurately guessing that these patients have something inside them that is no longer giving them pleasure and they want us to get the object out.

This was a white man in his early forties who was very neatly dressed and his hair was nicely groomed. He looked very uncomfortable as he sat sort of sideways on the chair in our waiting room. I peered out at him when I got the chart and it was obvious to me that he was one of what some ER employees call the “hide and seekers”. They hide it and then they want us to seek it.

After about 45 minutes to an hour, this patient was brought back to be assessed. He laid there on his side, waiting to see the physician. His nurse put in an iv and began asking him about the events of his day and when the abdominal pain began. He skirted around the questions and said he thinks he may have sat on something but he was not sure. He just knows that it hurts.

There were two physicians on duty and I looked up to see Dr. A coming toward the chart rack, I pulled this patient’s chart and smiled very big at him. He nodded and headed toward our new patient with abdominal pain.

Try as he might, Dr. A could not get this patient to admit that he had intentionally inserted something. The patient said he just suddenly began having abdominal pain and he repeatedly said, "I think I probably sat on something!”

Dr. A issued an order for an abdominal x-ray and we waited with baited breath to see what it would expose. There it was as clear as could be, a large screwdriver. I had learned from my years in the ER that screwdrivers are the most popular of all objects  people use in this strange way. Those who end up with things in their rectums, seem to like screwdrivers more than anything else for that purpose. Understandably, they are always inserted handle first, otherwise they would rip their skin and do serious harm in the process.

This screwdriver was quite large, but not unusual at all. Dr. A kept a record and said that there were more standard screwdrivers than Phillips head screwdrivers removed from rectums. Interesting fact indeed. Of course when it came time to talk to the patient about our findings and about the plans to remove the object, Dr. A grabbed my hand and away we went to visit this poor uncomfortable, confused man.

I will always remember the words spoken by Dr. A that evening. He said, “Hi, Mr. Josephson, this is Juanita, my assistant and we are here to inform you that YOU ARE SCREWED!” 

I am certain that my face was as red as the scarlet letter from Nathaniel Hawthorne’s book. I stood there as he explained the x-ray showed a large screwdriver was lodged in the patient’s rectum. He stressed how dangerous that could be. He explained to Mr. Josephson that we would be moving him to the operating room within a hour to have this item removed.

The patient said he had no idea how in this world something like this could have happened. I looked at Dr. A and he looked back at me. Then the patient said, “Oh, I was helping my friends do some repairs and it must have happened when I was putting new hinges on his cabinet doors!” He seemed so pleased that he had come up with a feasible explanation for the screwdriver.

Somehow Dr. A nor I believed that was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him God.

I still do not understand why screwdrivers are the most common item used in this strange behavior. I am glad we were able to help yet another person who is confused about the use of this particular orifice of the human body.

The case of horsewoman with big boobs

The case of horsewoman with huge boobs

It was a busy Sunday afternoon in the emergency room where I was working. I really loved Sundays because they were always our busiest days and the time just flew by.

Earlier that day we had called in an Orthopedic physician to see a patient who had broken his arm and would probably require surgery. The particular orthopedic physician that was on-call was my least favorite. He was arrogant and full of himself. Often he was down right rude to the ER staff. I was glad that his time in the ER that afternoon should be pretty brief as he prepared to get his patient to the operating room.

He came in and we all smiled our fake smiles and acted as pleasant and helpful as we could manage in his presence. Of course we did not really matter in his world so he paid us little attention.

Meanwhile an ambulance was on the way in with a young female, age 24 who had been thrown from her horse and was having severe chest pain. When the ambulance entered with her, all heads turned their way. She was drop dead gorgeous. The most beautiful skin, beautiful face, her hair was full, long and wavy and a fabulous shade of strawberry blonde. She had big green eyes and the longest eyelashes I had ever seen. As soon as she was switched over to the ER gurney, the nurses began to cut her blouse off. Moments later her entire chest was exposed. I grabbed a clean sheet from the shelf and one of the nurses helped me hold it up so that she was not exposed to the eyes of patients and visitors and everyone else in the area. I have to say she had very big boobs.

Dr. B was on duty and he began to work hard trying to get a chest tube in because our patient had a collapsed lung and air was in her chest cavity. As he struggled, people began to peer around the sheet to peek at her boobs. The word had spread throughout the ER and I felt like it was a circus or at least a peep-show. Suddenly I heard a man say "Excuse me, I can help you" as he grabbed the other end of the sheet I was holding. Our sheet was a curtain to protect her privacy as best we could. The nurse who previously was helping me hold the sheet, looked at me and shrugged as she walked off because this man had taken her place. This grumpy orthopedic physician was the man that jumped in to help. He stood and held that sheet with me for as long as it took. He was super nice and helpful for the first time ever in my presence. He did not mind delaying his patient's surgery to lend us a helping hand. Yet I couldn't help but notice, he starred at this patient like he was mesmerized by her beauty the entire time.

I  watched him as he stood there drooling over the sight of those huge boobs, as Dr. B had worked up a sweat trying to re-inflate this young lady’s lung. Finally, it was done and her lung was full and functioning again. I will always remember the day that a grumpy physician did a nice thing, or did he?

To this day, this patient is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. She was just as sweet as she was pretty. I learned that she was an avid horsewoman and loved her horses. She did not realize just how excited she had made everyone that day, at least all of the male staff and visitors. I had witnessed men transform that day from nice, respectful people to behavior that could best be described as hungry wolves looking at their prey.

The Case of the lost Remote Control

The case of I Need my Remote Control!

I worked for many years in two local hospital Emergency Rooms and it was the experience of a lifetime. This is the story of one patient who returned three times with the same exact situation. I guess some people who have more problems understanding cause and effect than others.

He lived in a rural community north of Mobile, Alabama and was a jovial man about 45 years old, yet he appeared to have lived a tough life. His skin was like leather and it was littered with blotches and what looked like bug bites in different stages of healing. His teeth were down to only a few who were barely holding on and those were discolored from coffee, smokes or who knows what else. I have learned over the years that it is often a difficult task to determine a person’s age by looking at them. Some people live more sheltered lives than others and they age more gently, while others run at full throttle with little thought of consequences. Yet there are also those that have spent their entire lives in circumstances beyond their control and beyond their ability to change. Possibly he fell into the latter situation, but he looked ragged, yet he was easy going and pleasant to deal with overall.

Mr. E. was a regular you might say, but each time he came it was a true emergency that needed immediate attention. He was not a person who was seeking pain killers or any type of narcotics, just one that repeated some unusual mistakes. The first time I met him was one day when I picked up his chart to put in the physician’s rack. His chief complaint that brought him in was "there seems to be something in my rectum and I don't know what it could be". He said he drank heavily and often hired two hookers. He was a regular customer of theirs and seemed pretty proud about that. He said, "I always gets these two hookers"

As we stood there staring at the X-ray, trying to determine what it was we were seeing; we realized that we had not seen this particular item on an x-ray before.

It was a TV remote control, and it was a large one. When our on-duty physician looked at the x-ray, he called the Operating Room to alert them. Then he entered Mr. E’s room to let him know the details of what was making him uncomfortable. I will never forget the patient’s reply. He said, “Them hookers must have done that when I wasn’t looking!”

I was amazed at that statement, because I would think he’d have felt it whether he was looking or not. His next statement was, “When y’all get it out are you going to give it back to me?” He was told no, our policy is not to return anything that we retrieve from a person’s rectum. He was more upset about not getting it back than he was about having it in there. 

This same patient returned two more times over a four month period with the exact same problem. Each time he had a new remote control but each time it was located in the same place and our operating room staff removed it. Oddly enough he had the exact same story to tell about hiring two hookers for the evening and they must have put it in his rectum when he wasn’t looking.

This was a unique patient, with a unique problem. I was amazed that he could allow that  same event to occur so many times. Perhaps he needed to find some new hookers.

I never cease to be in awe of the things that people do to themselves. Especially those things that cause them to end up in the emergency room.

Case of the man who loved PICKLES

Case of The man who loved PICKLES

I worked at two local hospital emergency rooms over a period of 15 years, Mobile Infirmary Hospital and Springhill Memorial Hospital. I worked with some of the best people at both places and my experiences were unforgettable. I enjoyed every minute of every shift.

I picked up the ringing phone in the Emergency Room one night just after my shift had begun. There was a man who nervously asked could he ask me a question. I said sure, though I knew, after having worked there a while, that I could be opening myself up to almost anything that would come in the question.

He said, “Well me and my buddies were watching the football game this afternoon and you know when a bunch of guys get together, THINGS HAPPEN!" I held the phone as I realized at that moment he was one of those cases. The ones that include a foreign object being in a place where it did not belong. He did not say what or even where, but he said, something happened and now he had discomfort and abdominal pain. I told him that he most likely needed to come in to the emergency room.

About an hour after the call, a patient came walking into one of the rooms in the emergency room area. I picked up his chart and saw that it just had to be my caller.

As I walked passed his room with the chart, he said, “Hey, are you the one I talked to on the phone?” I told him I was and he began to talk. He was built tough and muscular like the guard on a professional football team. He babbled on nervously for far too long, I excused myself and headed back to my desk. 

He said that he and his buddies were messing around, watching football and he decided to make a sandwich. When he went to put the pickles back in the refrigerator, he dropped the jar and a large pickle bounced up and lodged in his rectum. I stood there as he told his story and envisioned this event and how his story was wrong on so many levels. That had to be one magic pickle.

Once  I left his room and walked to my desk, I called my oldest brother (I have 5). I asked “When you and your buddies watch football, have you ever ended up with a pickle in your backside?” He held the phone a few minutes and he replied...”Huh?” I said “you heard me, I need to know.”  I continued, “There is a patient here who says, things like this just happen when guys get together to watch football.”  I asked, “Do they?”  I cannot repeat my brother’s exact words, but he assured me that this is not something that ever would happen when he and his buddies watched football nor when they were together for anything else.

When Dr. A picked up this chart and read the notes, he looked at me with a huge smile. I nodded and into the patient’s room he went.

Even though a pickle is not something that would cut, or poke or tear this man, it is something that totally blocked him and it had to be removed. He looked very happy to know that he would have it out of there soon and he said the operating room did not scare him nearly as bad as keeping that huge pickle where it had become lodged.

For a while after that, when I would see my brothers, my sons or my husband  watching a football game, I thought of the craziness of the Pickle man and his group of buddies. I still love pickles but it was a little while after this case before I wanted one.

She wanted it removed...

The case of a  MOTOR-VATED WOMAN:

During the years I worked in two local hospital emergency rooms, I saw so many things, some funny, some sad, some shocking and some unbelievable. This is the story of one that was embarrassing yet at times it was funny.

She came in by private vehicle. I could understand her reluctance to dial 911 with a case such as hers.  She was a very attractive blonde with big eyes and heavy make-up. Her clothes were cut low on the top and cut short on the bottom. It was obvious that she liked to show off her beautiful figure. She was extremely nervous but it may have been because she had found herself in the emergency room and was unsure of what would happen next.

As they often do in such cases, she explained at the Registration Desk that she was having abdominal pain. Just pain, but no real clear explanation of when it began or whether the pain was sharp, dull, constant or intermittent. People who work in ERs every day, see red flags on these cases right away. 

Our ER physician on duty saw it too as soon as he picked up the chart. This lady had a foreign object lodged in her rectum. She would not admit it and pretended she had no idea what could be in there, nor how it got there. All she would say is that she was just having abdominal pain. She was irritable, quite understandably. Most cases of this type are male patients but we occassionally got a female in this predicament.

The x-ray told the story. Our patient had an extra large battery-operated dildo, that was lodged in her rectum. The doctor on duty was one in a million. He absolutely loved these cases. They clearly provided comic relief for him on these long hectic night shifts in the emergency room. 

Something about cases such as this one is that even though they provided a chuckle or two, they can be very serious, even life-threatening. These patients always end up in the OR  (Operating Room) for removal of the object. The normal procedure was that once the ER physician identified the problem, he notified the patient and arranged for transfer to the OR for removal of the foreign object.

The physician on duty, (Dr. A) prepared to tell the patient what he had discovered and to advise her about what would take place next. He walked over to me, then he said, “Juanita, come with me, I need an escort present as I talk to this patient.” He always loved to embarrass me. I was one of the older employees in the ER at the time. I think it was my age that motivated him to include me on cases such as this. He loved to see my reaction. It also could have been because he knew my son who is a physician. Regardless, I was not prepared for what was coming next.

This was a moment in time that I will remember as long as I am breathing.

Dr. A stepped in to the room along with me. He said, “Mrs. Bevins, it appears that you have misplaced your toy, my question is, do you want us to retrieve it or do you want us to change the batteries?”

I stood there weak-kneed and sporting a bright red face as he stood there pleased to see his words had worked on me. We waited for this patient’s reply as she seemed to be giving this inappropriate, awkard question a lot of thought.  I could not believe she really thought he was giving her that option.

After a long pause, she said, “Get it out, I can't take it anymore.”  There was absolutely no redness in her face, no shame at all. Yet I was embarrassed enough for both of us.

There was a male visitor with this patient, I never learned whether he was her husband or her boyfriend but he was as back-woodsy and country talking as anyone I had seen before. She had insisted that he stay in the room during the exam and during the patient-doctor conference time. He said, "I done told her not to use that thang anymore, but when she sees it she gets real Motor-vated about it!" 

Sometimes I see signs indicating “Adult Store” or “Adult Toys” and I think of Dr. A's question  that day in the ER. I also wonder if Mrs. Bevins re-visited one of those places and bought herself another toy. I somehow suspect that she did just that.

Note: when our staff removes items from a patient's rectum, we do not return them to the patient.