For years I worked in the emergency rooms of two local hospitals. Every case was unique. I saw things that were strange, things that were sad, ones that were hilarious and others that broke my heart. It was more than a job, it was an absolute adventure. The people who worked with me were the best in the world and I was thrilled they allowed me to be a part of their journey.
It never ceases to be amazing to me as I review the past and remember so many cases that came through those emergency room doors. This one is funny in some ways, yet the patient was suffering, so it was also sad.
He was a muscular guy with a nice tan. When he stood up straight, he looked to be about 6’3”. The night that he presented himself to the ER, he was not able to stand erect. He was stooped over in pain and discomfort, with maybe even a little bit of shame.
This patient was unique in that he was eager to tell all about how he got into this situation of needing our help. Prior to this man, everyone I had seen that came to the ER with an item lodged in their rectum, was vague. They pretended not to know what was in there or how it got there. Sometimes they pretended they did not even know something was in there at all, they only knew they had abdominal pain. Not this guy, he told it like it happened.
The story of his evening was that he went to “one of THOSE parties”. It was what he referred to as Freak Night. I was amused by this thing called a Freak Night party, so I anxiously listened as he told every detail.
He and two buddies arrived at the destination and things were already in full swing. There was drinking and smoking and a little snorting going on. He added that his friends were all respectable people and did not use needles, they felt that was disgusting. It turns out there were items placed around the tables that became more interesting as the night went on. His inhibitions, along with those of his friends, had left hours earlier. Virtually everyone was ready for some real fun. He spied a large potato. It was one that was suitable for baking, elongated and large. He, as most of his friends, was sort of a clean freak. So, he washed the potato down really good, he dried it and then he greased it. He explained that he never used vaseline, he preferred the creams that had nice smells. (That was important for us to know). So things went great, the potato was in and he was feeling wonderful. Every time in the past when he had participated in this, he had been able to push it back out when he was ready. But this time it would not budge. He panicked and drank a lot of water, then tried once more with no success. Eventually he came to the conclusion that he needed professional help to get this thing out.
He said “I know all of this may sound strange to y’all, but I say Don’t Knock It Till You’ve Tried It!” I looked over at my friend Charlie (a male nurse in the ER). The look on Charlie’s face told it all. He was not going to ever try that!
I had to like the potato guy because he was brutally honest, unashamed, true to himself and he told us the story as though we were all great friends. He was handsome, neat, and had beautiful eyes. His personality was huge. He smiled, laughed and even giggled at times.
There was little need for an x-ray in this case as the patient knew and revealed exactly what was in there. However, it was something that had to be done for medical and legal reasons.
That was the biggest potato I have ever seen. Until that night I loved baked potatoes with sour cream, butter, bacon bits, etc. but since that night, I have no interest in them at all. That was many years ago and you will never see me order a baked potato. Even when I bake them for my husband, I remember this patient and I get goose bumps.
Near the end of this shift, things had slowed down a little in the ER and we sat down at the counter with our thoughts. So much had happened on that shift, but for me, potato guy stood out. It was the same for Charlie. He began to talk about it. He said, “I think we should introduce potato guy to the pickle guy we had last month.” He added, “They could make great salad together!”
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